A Cry for Help

Hello fellow internet users, it is I, Steven, returning after a very long break of blogging. I am at work right now doing a graveyard shift and I am bored out of my mind. I have had a lot going through my head so I thought that I would get things out of my head by writing them down. So here goes!

I don't even really know where to start honestly. I have so much going through my head that I think it might explode. I don't really know how many people read this...so I'm not sure what I should or shouldn't say. I guess I will just go with the flow...

So...first thing is first. Oh hey, gay marriage is legal in Utah now. I don't care what your views on it are...just shut up and let it be. It happened, big deal. So people that love each other can be legally bound...how is this hurting you? If it is somehow...then figure your life out. I honestly didn't care that it happened. It's not going to change anything that I do in my life so...whatever.

Okay, so I've been really stressed about what to do with my life. I want to do so many things. I love music, theater, medicine, and writing. I never really thought of writing as a profession but I actually do enjoy it quite a bit. I've always had English teachers and professors compliment my work, but I've never even thought about putting it to use. Though...there's no way I would be a professional blogger, because let's face it, I have two followers haha, but I would like to write. I have been writing songs for a little while and that has made me happy. Nobody has really ever heard or read them because I think they would be stupid to other people...but it doesn't matter what other people think about it really ha. I keep thinking I need to do medicine so I can have a stable job...but honestly...how do I know if that would be stable? Everything is changing so fast that it's hard to say whether one career path will be better than the other. I've got a lot of thinking to do...but I hate thinking...it makes me sad.

So...the topic of love. I'm sick of love. I'm sick of trying to date. I feel like I'm never good enough for those I reach out to. I think I may just give up and be a bachelor for the rest of my life...but I know that I wouldn't really be happy doing that. I want love...I just don't think I'm good enough to find it.

That brings me to my main thing...a cry for help. People always say that you can choose to be happy. To some extent I agree...but sometimes you can't just choose. I've struggled so long with depression that sometimes I don't think I will ever be happy. I know that writing all this on the internet may be stupid, but I needed to put it out there somewhere. Writing is therapeutic and that's what I need at the moment. I'm sad. I can't really put an exact reason why. I try to make friends...but I'm not very good at it anymore. I don't really have a social life and that is even more true now that I work graves. Sometimes you just don't really feel loved...people say they love you, but do they really mean it? How are they showing you that love? Sometimes I wish that I had lived much earlier, without so much technology. I think that technology has contributed to my problem. It's so sad that I, and pretty much everyone out there, don't think that I could survive without the internet. Now...in a round about way that is true, since my job requires the internet and that's how I make money to survive...but that's beside the point. Technology is great, but it sucks hard core at the same time too. If you're reading this feel free to follow me, to message me, anything. I could always use more friends, and good people to talk to. I may just be writing to myself...but at least I have gotten some things off my chest. There are still many things I would like to say, but now is not the time. Someday...but not now.

If you are reading this, this is the end. I hope you have a wonderful day, week, month, and the rest of your year. Oh and Merry Christmas! It is that time of year.

Much love,

Steven

Making Someone Happy

So I had the opportunity today to help someone with their Valentines Day. I decorated my roommates room for his girlfriend because she couldn't before he got home. Now this may seem like a regular boring old thing that a lot of people do, but the weird thing about this was that I was incredibly happy to do it. Today I realized that one of the things that makes me the most happy, is making other people happy. I was sitting there decorating the room and I just thought, this is awesome, what else can I do to make this better? Now of course I didn't do anything else because then the Valentines stuff would've been from me to my roommate instead of his girlfriend... that would've been awkward. Aside from that though I thought it could have been awesome. Not that it wasn't awesome already, I just could have made it even awesomer. The point is, making somebody else happy is the best way to help yourself be happy.

This is an example of the puppies I like to stare at :)

Now, "happiness". What is happiness really? I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. I have been trying to put a definition on happiness thinking that by doing that I would be able to achieve it. This turned out to be futile. I was thinking that the was some sort of key to happiness. I would ask people what made them happy, or how they were happy all the time. Now that I think about it, nobody could really give me a straight answer. That is part of the beauty of happiness I think. It's not the same for any person on the planet. Something that makes one person happy might mean absolutely nothing to another. We all have our own things that make us happy. There a lot of things that make me happy. One thing would have to be dogs. Puppies. Basically any animal, but I can't get enough of dogs. I could look at pictures of puppies all day. My puppy Penny can always make me happy, just by being her crazy little self. Winning makes me happy too. Not many people have seen my competitive side, but it is there. I get super competitive when I want, and winning makes me super excited. My family makes me happy. My friends make me happy. Today though, I realized that helping other people be happy makes me the happiest of all.

This may sound a little odd and on the verge of a big cheese ball, but it really is true. Seeing someones smile after you do something for them is priceless. Getting a hug of gratitude is one of the best feelings in the world.  I experienced that tonight. Someone was grateful enough, just to give me a hug. So, what does this really have to do with anything? That is a pretty good question, and I have an answer. I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I have no idea what I want to do for a career. I have stressed out about it so much lately that I probably have given myself an ulcer. Maybe not an ulcer, but some stomach corrosion. I realized today that whatever I do, I need to be making someone happy. I need to be putting a smile on someones face, making someones day better, inspiring those grateful hugs. I know that if I do that, my work will make me happy. If you are reading this, try and make someone happy today. It'll make you happy too. Stay happy my friends.

-Steven

White and Nerdy!

So the thing is, I have been finding it hard to write on my blog often because I've been trying to think of things that would go well with "I love life because...". This have proven hard for me, so I've decided that I am going to change the outline of my blog a little. I'm still going to try and make everything positive, but I'm just going to write about what I want. Not just something that I think makes my life wonderful, but still things that are important or even funny to me. I know that it'll be a little different reading for the two people that read my blog, but I'm still the same writer ;)

The item of topic today is being a nerd. Nerdiness. The all intensive definition of the N.E.R.D. So the Webster's definition of "nerd" is: an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits. Now...I don't really believe that this is a good definition of a nerd. Unless you are talking about Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. Even then I don't think it is necessarily true. He's not a terribly unattractive person. Still, this definition seems a little extreme. There is also the whole debacle about the difference between a nerd and a geek...I honestly don't care. Nerd just sounds nicer than geek.

So, I have been called a nerd many times. I also consider myself pretty nerdy, and I'm not ashamed of it. Some people point out similarities between me and Sheldon from Big Bang. For one, I have a spot on the couch. Everyone knows this in the apartment, and when someone is sitting there it bothers me. I can handle sitting somewhere else, but it's still my spot. No glare on the TV, not drafty by the window, and not under the heater vent. I doth like it. Therefore I sit there when it is free. I am also OCD about quite a few things. Just an example, when I was waiting for a friend at Best Buy, I organized their pen selection. Color, style, it was organized when I left. That also may have been due to boredom, but it still bothered me. Another thing is when I hear someone say something that I know is wrong, I want to correct them. Some may think that this is because I'm a jerk, but it's not. I really just don't like hearing people say the wrong thing. So I correct them. These are just a few things that makes me nerdy.

Anyway, to close this absolutely pointless blog post I will just say, I am nerdy and I don't care. The people who think they are too cool for everything...they are really just closet nerds. They are just afraid to let people know. Well, alas I have no idea what to say not so I will say goodbye. Have a good day, live long and prosper.

It's Christmas time!

I am finally writing another post after a long absence. Not that I really have any readers...but alas I write anyway. Soooooooo, here goes!

I LOVE life because...It's Christmas time.

A not-so-good picture of my parents house for Christmas.

If any of you have seen my house around Christmas you would know that it is wonderful. I absolutely love the way my parents house is when it's all decorated and fancy. It just makes me so happy when I'm there, which also makes me a little sad now because I don't get to be there as much this year. It has the beautiful tree in the living room with all of these ornaments that my parents get from a great little Bavarian "village" in Washington called Levenworth. It's probably my absolute favorite room this time of year. The picture does not do it justice, but when you see it in person it is just awesome.

This time of the year is just so great. It's the end of a school semester and everyone just seems to be happy for the most part. Ever since I was little this time of the year has always been special to me. I just love the feeling of it. The music, the decorations, but most of all just the atmosphere. I still get giddy the night of Christmas Eve even though I am way past the age of getting surprised on Christmas. It's great to be around family and friends and just everybody that loves you and wants to enjoy your company.

Now being LDS, there is the Christian aspect of Christmas too. It's not X-mas...its CHRISTmas. That has been something that has bothered me for a while. If you write it with the X then you take out the whole meaning of the season. It's the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. It's not all about presents and getting wasted and having a good time, but it's about remembering that one night, when a Savior was born. It's a season to recognize the love that God has for us, and the love that we have in our lives. I apologize for two churchy posts in a row, but it's just what happens to come up. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, and a wonderful New Year.

I LOVE life because....it's Christmas time.

I'm a Mormon

So, I know this is a really iffy topic for some people, but I felt like it was something that I should write about. This is a very religion-based post, and quite personal, just as a heads up to anyone reading.

I LOVE life because...I'm a Mormon.

Now I know that everyone has their own opinion about religion. Many people think that this church is true, or this one. Other's don't believe in religion at all. Whether someone believes in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or not, it doesn't really matter that much to me. I think that everyone has a right to their own opinion and their own views. All I ask is that if you are reading this, and have no intention but to write a rude comment below, please stop reading now and leave this page. If not, feel free to read away and try and enjoy what I have to say.

Now I have been LDS my entire life, and have become the person I am today because of it. To many, I was known as "The Bishop's son", or the over-used "Peter Priesthood". Those, in title, made me feel like I had to be perfect in everything I did spiritually. I always did what I was supposed to, and tried my hardest to stay out of trouble. Later, I realized that I didn't really have a testimony of the church. I was just riding on the coat tails of others. I was just feeding off of the testimonies of others, and sort of made it my own. It wasn't until I was about 18 that I realized I needed to gain a testimony for myself. I was preparing for a mission as all 18 year old, male Mormons do. As I prepared, and took a Missionary Prep class at the Institute, I finally began to gain a testimony that was my own. 

I served my mission in the Washington Tacoma Mission. I thought this was really interesting when I got the call because I had family that was living within my mission. I was so excited to be serving a mission, especially because I was told many times that I would not be able to serve because of my health. I served for about three months until I returned because of health problems. If you know me, I have a whole caboodle of health problems. This brought me down, down to a level of depression that was terrible for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I didn't know what to do, and I thought that I was a terrible person for coming home from my mission early. Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful people in the church, but some people just made me feel even worse about myself while talking to them. 

I will admit that I have struggled with the church many times in the past, and sometimes still do. Quite recently I thought about leaving the church for good, but something stopped me. I can't really explain what happened, but I had a sort of epiphany. My life wasn't going the way that I wanted it to, and I realized I needed to change something. I realized that I was ready to turn my back on all that I knew, and a lot of the people that I loved. It was one of the hardest times in my life...I can't even describe the pain that I was feeling. I resorted to hurting myself, and sometimes suicide attempts, but I know that I was protected for a reason. I knew that I wasn't finished here. I had a purpose that I needed to fulfill.

I was, at first, a little resistant to listen to General Conference that happened just a couple weeks ago. I did listen though, and I listened well. It was such an amazing experience for me to listen to Conference and hear the testimonies of the leaders of the church. It reminded me of the love I have for the church. The love that I have for God and for His son, Jesus Christ. It made me want to turn my life around, and try and be the best person I could be.

The beautiful Logan Temple

Today we had Stake Conference which gave me an extra spiritual boost. It made me realize that I love the gospel and want other people to know of it too. After that I walked around the Logan Temple with my roommate Jeremy, and just had a nice Sunday afternoon.

Now I'm not saying that I am perfect, because I am nowhere near that. I am just trying my best to follow the things that I believe are true. If anyone reading this has interest in the LDS Church, I encourage you to seek someone out who can help you understand more about it. I know this isn't a funny post or anything that I usually write, but I just felt the need to write this. Have a beautimus day, week, and life!

I LOVE life because....I'm a Mormon.

Relationships

I know when you see this title you'll think, "Eww, relationships? Really Steven?", but I am completely serious about this topic. I don't mean just relationships that you have that you hope to move towards marriage or something, I just mean relationships in general. Relationships with family, friends, and even your dog :)

I LOVE life because...Relationships can be made.

Lately I have realized that relationships are an important thing in this world to make. I have been thinking about this a lot lately because we have been talking about them in my psychology class. One thing I love about psychology is that it makes you think, a lot, about thinking and pretty much every aspect of your life. Something I learned recently was when we start to make the links in our brains that we have a relationship with someone. In the first six months of life we don't really know much of anything. We know that we eat, sleep, and put boom-boom in our pants. We just have survival instincts, because every animal is inbred with these instincts. It is not til the second half of the first year of life that we begin to realize some connections. At this time we finally realize a thing called Attachment. In psychological vernacular, attachment is defined as: the strong affectionate tie we have with special people in our lives that leads us to feel pleasure when we interact with and them and to be comforted by their nearness in times of stress.

How amazing is it that we are biologically programmed to attach to someone on an emotional level? There's a whole study on this with monkeys and it's super interesting, but I'm not going to go into that because it would take a really long time...anyway. The bottom line is that we all want relationships and closeness to somebody, unless you are Sheldon from Big Bang, then you are excused. 

The cutest picture of my parents

The first relationship we develop is that with our family. Specifically our mother. If you know me, you'll know that I love my mother with all my heart. She is the best person I know and knows me better than I know myself. I can't even describe how much I love this woman. She has been there for me through every single thing in my life. The good, the bad, everything. She is the most amazing person I know, and I would not be here today without her (biologically and emotionally speaking). The most common relationship that comes next is with the father. My father is one of the strongest people I know. My whole life he has been sick, but he has always seemed so strong to me. I guess I follow in his footsteps in the being sick part, but I hope to be as strong as he is someday. I may not always agree with what he says, and he probably doesn't always agree with me, but I love him so much.

Me and my beautiful sisters

Next comes our relationship with our siblings. I have four beautiful older sisters. Some people ask me if I like being the only boy and the youngest, and all I have to say is that yes, I loved it. Of course I always wanted a brother, but having four older sisters has prepared me for a lot of things that others aren't prepared for. My sister Corinne is the oldest. She is very headstrong and won't take crap from anyone, not even her husband haha. She's not afraid to tell me when I'm being stupid, which I need sometimes. Megan is next and she has a wonderful spirit about her. I can't really explain it, but she makes me want to be a better person. Hence, she was part of the reason I started this blog. Shalynn comes next. She is such a wonderful sister and cares so much about my well being. She has been through a lot herself, but she still makes sure that I'm okay. Last but not least is my sister Janae. Janae is the smartest person I know. She is beautiful and makes me remember to get out there and try new things. She inspires me to get out of my bubble. ALL of my sisters are incredibly beautiful and loving. I love them so much and couldn't ask for better sisters.

So, I've talked a lot about familial relationships, but there are relationships that can be just as influential as family. That is the relationships we make with the people that we call our friends. I love my friends and I have made many throughout my lifetime. There are those that you know you will have fun with when you see them, and those that you can always laugh with. Those are all great. One of the important ones though, are the friends you can be yourself around. The friends that love you even though they know all of your faults. ALL of your faults. These are the friends that you know you'll have for life. I can think of quite a few that I will always have. Whether they be very old friends, or not so old friends, they are there to stay and I love them. 

In life we all make soooo many relationships. We'll have teachers, cousins, aunts, uncles, everybody. There is one relationship that we all know of, and that is a relationship of love and commitment. This is an interesting topic for many. I am definitely not going to say whether this relationship has to be between a man and a woman or not, it is just a relationship everyone knows about. Each and every person, even animals, want to find a relationship with another person and spend part, if not all of their life with that individual. I honestly can't say that I have a lot of experience in this area, but I can't definitely say that I have found someone that I think I could be with for the rest of my life. I don't know if they know that or not, and they may not for a while, but someday I will see what happens there.


I'm sorry if  you came into this post hoping for something short and funny, or something that maybe makes a little more sense. I really just needed to get things off my chest and write them here for others to see. I know it was super long, but I think it was time well spent. I encourage anyone to really look at the relationships that they have made, and cherish each and every one. That is all for now, peace out world.

I LOVE life because...Relationships can be made.

Fall is here!

I was walking down the street and I saw this leaf fall off a tree. I stopped and watched it lightly float to the sidewalk in front of me. I walked up to it, and stepped on it. What sound did it make? The wonderful and oh-so satisfying *crunch* that only the leave of Autumn bring.

I LOVE life because...Fall is here!

I absolutely LOVE the Fall season. It is just soooooo wonderful. One of the best parts of fall is crunching the leaves underneath your feet. There is just something so satisfying about hearing that sound of a crisp leaf under the soles of your feet. It has to be a good crunch though. It needs to be LOUD and exciting! Have you ever seen the Winnie the Pooh movie from 2007....at least I think it is 2007?  There is a part in the movie where Pooh, Piglet, and Rabbit are in the woods and there is fog everywhere. Well, Rabbit goes off by himself trying to prove that he can find the way out without help. As he is out his imagination runs wild and all the little things in the woods start to freak him out. Anyway, to get to the point, part of those noise is a Caterpillar eating a leaf. It makes a super loud, bone-crushing *crunch*. I feel like that is the acceptable sound of a crunchy leaf. It is just the best :)

Another great thing about fall is the color that the world transforms into. The beautiful reds, oranges, browns (yes browns), and yellows, are just so enjoyable to look at. If you have never driven up Little Cottonwood Canyon in the Fall, I highly suggest doing so. The leaves are just so pretty and you feel like that is what nature was intended to look like. Don't get me wrong, when everything is green it is nice to, but that usually means that it is pretty hot outside. Which brings me to my next point...

Fall means that the weather is cooling down. If you know me, you would know that I am warm ALL the time. It's a bit ridiculous really. I can go a very long time without having to wear a jacket outside. I absolutely love Fall weather because it isn't too hot and it isn't too cold. Autumn is my favorite time to do things outside because I don't have to worry about going outside and ending up in a pool of sweat after a few minutes. That cool Autumn breeze is just so refreshing that you just want to sit outside and soak it all in. It is just so peaceful outside that you can't help but feel like this is the reason you are here. To witness to beautiful things created on earth, even though there are so many "ugly" things in the world. 

Oh and just a lighter topic. I really love corn mazes. They are super fun especially when they are haunted. Mostly people don't like being trapped in a giant maze of crops, but I find it rather enjoyable. I haven't been to many, but the times I have been it was really fun. So make sure you go to a corn maze this year, and always bring fun people along with you. That can make a big difference too. Welp, that is all for now. I hope you enjoy the beginning of Fall just as much as I am. Stay crispy my friends.

I LOVE life because...Fall is here!