A Cry for Help

Hello fellow internet users, it is I, Steven, returning after a very long break of blogging. I am at work right now doing a graveyard shift and I am bored out of my mind. I have had a lot going through my head so I thought that I would get things out of my head by writing them down. So here goes!

I don't even really know where to start honestly. I have so much going through my head that I think it might explode. I don't really know how many people read this...so I'm not sure what I should or shouldn't say. I guess I will just go with the flow...

So...first thing is first. Oh hey, gay marriage is legal in Utah now. I don't care what your views on it are...just shut up and let it be. It happened, big deal. So people that love each other can be legally bound...how is this hurting you? If it is somehow...then figure your life out. I honestly didn't care that it happened. It's not going to change anything that I do in my life so...whatever.

Okay, so I've been really stressed about what to do with my life. I want to do so many things. I love music, theater, medicine, and writing. I never really thought of writing as a profession but I actually do enjoy it quite a bit. I've always had English teachers and professors compliment my work, but I've never even thought about putting it to use. Though...there's no way I would be a professional blogger, because let's face it, I have two followers haha, but I would like to write. I have been writing songs for a little while and that has made me happy. Nobody has really ever heard or read them because I think they would be stupid to other people...but it doesn't matter what other people think about it really ha. I keep thinking I need to do medicine so I can have a stable job...but honestly...how do I know if that would be stable? Everything is changing so fast that it's hard to say whether one career path will be better than the other. I've got a lot of thinking to do...but I hate thinking...it makes me sad.

So...the topic of love. I'm sick of love. I'm sick of trying to date. I feel like I'm never good enough for those I reach out to. I think I may just give up and be a bachelor for the rest of my life...but I know that I wouldn't really be happy doing that. I want love...I just don't think I'm good enough to find it.

That brings me to my main thing...a cry for help. People always say that you can choose to be happy. To some extent I agree...but sometimes you can't just choose. I've struggled so long with depression that sometimes I don't think I will ever be happy. I know that writing all this on the internet may be stupid, but I needed to put it out there somewhere. Writing is therapeutic and that's what I need at the moment. I'm sad. I can't really put an exact reason why. I try to make friends...but I'm not very good at it anymore. I don't really have a social life and that is even more true now that I work graves. Sometimes you just don't really feel loved...people say they love you, but do they really mean it? How are they showing you that love? Sometimes I wish that I had lived much earlier, without so much technology. I think that technology has contributed to my problem. It's so sad that I, and pretty much everyone out there, don't think that I could survive without the internet. Now...in a round about way that is true, since my job requires the internet and that's how I make money to survive...but that's beside the point. Technology is great, but it sucks hard core at the same time too. If you're reading this feel free to follow me, to message me, anything. I could always use more friends, and good people to talk to. I may just be writing to myself...but at least I have gotten some things off my chest. There are still many things I would like to say, but now is not the time. Someday...but not now.

If you are reading this, this is the end. I hope you have a wonderful day, week, month, and the rest of your year. Oh and Merry Christmas! It is that time of year.

Much love,

Steven

Making Someone Happy

So I had the opportunity today to help someone with their Valentines Day. I decorated my roommates room for his girlfriend because she couldn't before he got home. Now this may seem like a regular boring old thing that a lot of people do, but the weird thing about this was that I was incredibly happy to do it. Today I realized that one of the things that makes me the most happy, is making other people happy. I was sitting there decorating the room and I just thought, this is awesome, what else can I do to make this better? Now of course I didn't do anything else because then the Valentines stuff would've been from me to my roommate instead of his girlfriend... that would've been awkward. Aside from that though I thought it could have been awesome. Not that it wasn't awesome already, I just could have made it even awesomer. The point is, making somebody else happy is the best way to help yourself be happy.

This is an example of the puppies I like to stare at :)

Now, "happiness". What is happiness really? I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. I have been trying to put a definition on happiness thinking that by doing that I would be able to achieve it. This turned out to be futile. I was thinking that the was some sort of key to happiness. I would ask people what made them happy, or how they were happy all the time. Now that I think about it, nobody could really give me a straight answer. That is part of the beauty of happiness I think. It's not the same for any person on the planet. Something that makes one person happy might mean absolutely nothing to another. We all have our own things that make us happy. There a lot of things that make me happy. One thing would have to be dogs. Puppies. Basically any animal, but I can't get enough of dogs. I could look at pictures of puppies all day. My puppy Penny can always make me happy, just by being her crazy little self. Winning makes me happy too. Not many people have seen my competitive side, but it is there. I get super competitive when I want, and winning makes me super excited. My family makes me happy. My friends make me happy. Today though, I realized that helping other people be happy makes me the happiest of all.

This may sound a little odd and on the verge of a big cheese ball, but it really is true. Seeing someones smile after you do something for them is priceless. Getting a hug of gratitude is one of the best feelings in the world.  I experienced that tonight. Someone was grateful enough, just to give me a hug. So, what does this really have to do with anything? That is a pretty good question, and I have an answer. I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I have no idea what I want to do for a career. I have stressed out about it so much lately that I probably have given myself an ulcer. Maybe not an ulcer, but some stomach corrosion. I realized today that whatever I do, I need to be making someone happy. I need to be putting a smile on someones face, making someones day better, inspiring those grateful hugs. I know that if I do that, my work will make me happy. If you are reading this, try and make someone happy today. It'll make you happy too. Stay happy my friends.

-Steven

White and Nerdy!

So the thing is, I have been finding it hard to write on my blog often because I've been trying to think of things that would go well with "I love life because...". This have proven hard for me, so I've decided that I am going to change the outline of my blog a little. I'm still going to try and make everything positive, but I'm just going to write about what I want. Not just something that I think makes my life wonderful, but still things that are important or even funny to me. I know that it'll be a little different reading for the two people that read my blog, but I'm still the same writer ;)

The item of topic today is being a nerd. Nerdiness. The all intensive definition of the N.E.R.D. So the Webster's definition of "nerd" is: an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits. Now...I don't really believe that this is a good definition of a nerd. Unless you are talking about Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. Even then I don't think it is necessarily true. He's not a terribly unattractive person. Still, this definition seems a little extreme. There is also the whole debacle about the difference between a nerd and a geek...I honestly don't care. Nerd just sounds nicer than geek.

So, I have been called a nerd many times. I also consider myself pretty nerdy, and I'm not ashamed of it. Some people point out similarities between me and Sheldon from Big Bang. For one, I have a spot on the couch. Everyone knows this in the apartment, and when someone is sitting there it bothers me. I can handle sitting somewhere else, but it's still my spot. No glare on the TV, not drafty by the window, and not under the heater vent. I doth like it. Therefore I sit there when it is free. I am also OCD about quite a few things. Just an example, when I was waiting for a friend at Best Buy, I organized their pen selection. Color, style, it was organized when I left. That also may have been due to boredom, but it still bothered me. Another thing is when I hear someone say something that I know is wrong, I want to correct them. Some may think that this is because I'm a jerk, but it's not. I really just don't like hearing people say the wrong thing. So I correct them. These are just a few things that makes me nerdy.

Anyway, to close this absolutely pointless blog post I will just say, I am nerdy and I don't care. The people who think they are too cool for everything...they are really just closet nerds. They are just afraid to let people know. Well, alas I have no idea what to say not so I will say goodbye. Have a good day, live long and prosper.