Hello fellow internet users, it is I, Steven, returning after a very long break of blogging. I am at work right now doing a graveyard shift and I am bored out of my mind. I have had a lot going through my head so I thought that I would get things out of my head by writing them down. So here goes!
I don't even really know where to start honestly. I have so much going through my head that I think it might explode. I don't really know how many people read this...so I'm not sure what I should or shouldn't say. I guess I will just go with the flow...
So...first thing is first. Oh hey, gay marriage is legal in Utah now. I don't care what your views on it are...just shut up and let it be. It happened, big deal. So people that love each other can be legally bound...how is this hurting you? If it is somehow...then figure your life out. I honestly didn't care that it happened. It's not going to change anything that I do in my life so...whatever.
Okay, so I've been really stressed about what to do with my life. I want to do so many things. I love music, theater, medicine, and writing. I never really thought of writing as a profession but I actually do enjoy it quite a bit. I've always had English teachers and professors compliment my work, but I've never even thought about putting it to use. Though...there's no way I would be a professional blogger, because let's face it, I have two followers haha, but I would like to write. I have been writing songs for a little while and that has made me happy. Nobody has really ever heard or read them because I think they would be stupid to other people...but it doesn't matter what other people think about it really ha. I keep thinking I need to do medicine so I can have a stable job...but honestly...how do I know if that would be stable? Everything is changing so fast that it's hard to say whether one career path will be better than the other. I've got a lot of thinking to do...but I hate thinking...it makes me sad.
So...the topic of love. I'm sick of love. I'm sick of trying to date. I feel like I'm never good enough for those I reach out to. I think I may just give up and be a bachelor for the rest of my life...but I know that I wouldn't really be happy doing that. I want love...I just don't think I'm good enough to find it.
That brings me to my main thing...a cry for help. People always say that you can choose to be happy. To some extent I agree...but sometimes you can't just choose. I've struggled so long with depression that sometimes I don't think I will ever be happy. I know that writing all this on the internet may be stupid, but I needed to put it out there somewhere. Writing is therapeutic and that's what I need at the moment. I'm sad. I can't really put an exact reason why. I try to make friends...but I'm not very good at it anymore. I don't really have a social life and that is even more true now that I work graves. Sometimes you just don't really feel loved...people say they love you, but do they really mean it? How are they showing you that love? Sometimes I wish that I had lived much earlier, without so much technology. I think that technology has contributed to my problem. It's so sad that I, and pretty much everyone out there, don't think that I could survive without the internet. Now...in a round about way that is true, since my job requires the internet and that's how I make money to survive...but that's beside the point. Technology is great, but it sucks hard core at the same time too. If you're reading this feel free to follow me, to message me, anything. I could always use more friends, and good people to talk to. I may just be writing to myself...but at least I have gotten some things off my chest. There are still many things I would like to say, but now is not the time. Someday...but not now.
If you are reading this, this is the end. I hope you have a wonderful day, week, month, and the rest of your year. Oh and Merry Christmas! It is that time of year.
Much love,
Steven
I think many of us feel the way you do. That we aren't deserving of a particular someones love or what you thought you would be doing for a career turned out not to be. My husband was 27 when we got married and he had been looking for a wife since he returned from his mission. If we had met then I would have been 15 and probably not the person he needed me to be or him who I needed him to be. Life is unpredictable and even when we think we have it all figured out God throws a curveball. Hang in there. Your life will only become more complicated
ReplyDeleteHey Steve, this is James Butterfield. I was thinking of you recently. I decided to look you up and see how you were doing. I don't get on facebook often, but I just read a bitmof your blog. I'm sorry to hear you are going through some difficult things. Just know there are people that think well of you, even though you rarely speak or see each other. If you ever need anything or want to talk you do have a friend in me. You are great and are admired by more people than you may realize. Take care man.
ReplyDeleteDecker. You're the man. You are a man who God trusts with an imperfect life, cause he knows your strength. Keep pushin forward bro!
ReplyDeleteSteven- I will never forget how engaging and kind you were in our gymnastics class. I know we didn't talk too much- but your example of a kind heart and willingness to befriend anyone and everyone has stuck with me. I think VERY highly of you and I'm grateful that I met you, even if our friendship didn't really extend beyond that class. You are a wonderful man and I wish you the best in all you strive to achieve. Keep your chin up, you are doing wonderful at life :) A favorite quote of mine that I have tried to keep in mind when things aren't going quite as planned says, "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." You are tough and you can do hard things! You are going to make it :) May God bless you, and Merry Christmas!
ReplyDelete-Holly Milar